Friday, December 16, 2011

ME

I am ME….just the way I am. All of it: the good, bad and ugly. Seems like I’m stating the obvious, right? But at some point, I actually need to embrace this idea. Although I am constantly evolving and growing, from time to time, I need to remind myself that self-acceptance is a vital companion in my pursuit of happiness. I fantasize today about what life would be like if I had freedom of self-loathing or self-imposed punishment. Perhaps even freedom from the habitual need to apologize for who I am, as if being ME might somehow inconvenience you. I vacillate between setting boundaries, being assertive in getting my needs met, and being sensitive to others perspectives. For most of my life, it has been such a struggle to balance on this extremely tight rope.

I was raised to be accommodating. Manners were of upmost value to the point of always putting your needs behind the benefit of the group. In order to get my needs met, I felt I had to rebel and fight to retain some control which of course, always created more resistance around me. Somehow the message I got was in order to have acceptance and love, I would need to comply. So I tried and when I couldn’t anymore, I rebelled leaving a wake of destruction. And so this exhausting cycle continued.

Lately, I have experienced an opening of Johari’s window and gained a bit of opportunity to see myself as others do. With this awareness came great realizations about how there is actually ways to get my needs met without being a bully. I think I was caught in this cycle for many years, I wasn’t even sure what I needed or who I actually was. In the past, I would inadvertently make the other party feel guilty or wrong so I would I somehow deep down be able to justify deserving what I was asking for. I had all kinds of tricks all based on the fact that perhaps I didn’t deserve it …just because I was ME and I was worthy. And since I’ve always said having DMD in your life is like throwing miracle-grow on your already existing character defects, I can admit adding the guilt I carry for DMD, propelled this issue to a new level. Looking back, I see I have been on a mission for a long time to justify my existence. I also see how many of my actions and decisions have been indeed driven by this force.

So, I’m finally starting to understand there is no shame in asking for what I need. I can just be me and stop apologizing for it. I can make peace with people in my life without overcompensating to the point of feeling the part of the occasional doormat. Now, I understand wellness lies somewhere in between. I can simply say no to things I don’t want to do, or ask for what I need without causing a tsunami to do it. I can simply, inexplicably be me, without qualifying my every wish. And I can do this with no guilt because being ME does, in fact, include looking out for others, being sensitive and giving myself freely.

When I am connected to who I really am and what I need, I can give freely without losing anything or compromising my own integrity. There is a way to do both. I JUST never knew.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. I empathize with you, I too have acted like this for many years, I've become quite the expert and reversing these ways of coping is a difficult journey. That Dmd miracle grow on our character flaws, I think, starts nourishing our good as well and I believe that we will see our good more than our bad as we continue to expose those weeds of our lives.

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