Bloom where you're planted

Cultivate. This is new for me. I never used to be able to do this. After a year of waking up, I have come to the realization that I could have never bloomed where I was planted because I never wanted to weed. Instant gratification, relief and hasty gain…… that was more my style. I would always pick up and go (in one way or another) when things got uncomfortable. But there was a flaw in the “fresh start” approach…. I kept taking me with me, wherever I went.

I used to pick a goal of something I thought I needed or wanted and then worked backwards to set up the steps to get there. This approach seemed very effective most of the time….assuming the ideas of what I needed were right. Looking back….maybe not so much. I did always get what I wanted, but unfortunately what I wanted wasn’t necessarily what was best. Now I try to subscribe more to the process. Instead of looking at the end goal, I just focus on the very next right thing in front of me and try to have no attachment to the outcome or fear of where life will lead me. At first this was very difficult to practice but now it’s getting easier and it’s opened up a whole new appreciation of where I am versus where I need to go. I was so stuck in my preconceived ideas; I missed so many interesting things along the way.

Today from where I stand, I see only the beauty of what I have, not what’s missing. And the world looks completely different. When my perspective broadened and opened up, the possibilities of expanding where I am at seem endless. It’s amazing that the same exact garden where I used to only see limitations and weeds, now has rich soil that’s ready to go.

Getting here has been an interesting process. I spent years searching everywhere for anything that would bring peacefulness and comfort. I searched to no avail. My manic seeking produced nothing but more emptiness time and time again. Little did I know, all I had to do was sit through the uncomfortable feelings and keep doing the next right thing rather than run from it all looking for difference. It was about taking it head on and bravely walking through it.

Last week, while I was participating in the Pat Tillman run, I was thinking about the idea of riding out the suffering rather than escaping or looking for relief. When you run races, whether they are 26.2 miles or a 5k most everyone hits some sort of “wall” and I find it to be a very appropriate metaphor for the walls we hit when we are traveling through some sort of emotional pain. I couldn’t help drawing the similarities between those walls and how they related to letting go of the attachment to outcome.

When you hit the dreaded “wall”, things get incredibly uncomfortable and you are suddenly filled with self doubt, anxiety and fear. Your preconceived ideas of how things should be kick in and you are suddenly in pain. I truly believe at this point there is no choice but to let go of your expectations, come back to the now and run right through it. You have to just get comfortable with being uncomfortable and have faith that it will pass.

If you stop or go a different direction at that point, you will have to start over or you will never make it at all. And that same wall will be there next time, and the next and the next. You can try a bunch of different approaches or different days but until you just get through it, it will always be there ready to stop you again at the same place. I am beginning to understand that every time I am able to stay put and detach, I am so much stronger and my perspective grows more expansive and flexible for the next challenging time when I experience suffering.

I finally understand “bloom where you’re planted”. I understand that going away literally or figuratively only means I have to start over and I am never able to get through that place that’s stopping me. I don’t want that anymore. I understand there is nowhere else to go. It’s here. This is my life.

I will not live a thousand years. I can’t repeat my life. It's best if I don’t compare my life to another. When I look around at where I’m at right now, I find that peace I so desperately searched for all those years. And now when I’m uncomfortable, I understand it’s simply just another growing pain. And that’s just not enough reason anymore to uproot and start over. Not if I ever want to get to the other side of that wall. Not if I want to ever bloom.

"Autobiography in Five Chapters" from the Tibetan book of Living and Dying.

1) I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost....I am hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in....it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.




This passage really spoke to me this morning. I feel it describes the personal journey I have been on for the last year. Difficult things keep happening for sure, but I see them so differently now that it brings about a better experience. It takes practice, but I'm so grateful for the ability to be flexible in my thoughts. For so many years, I lived in either chaos or rigidity. It was no way to live. This passage was a great reminder for me today..... so I thought I would share!