Denial or Survival?

When running up a hill, there are several ways to do it. One choice is to begrudgingly trot one laborious foot at a time while focusing on the exhaustion and pain which inevitably grows larger with each step. Another way to do it is to ignore the pain, dig your heels in and power through it, usually resulting in an injury. Lastly, you can accept the pain, welcome it along for the ride and let it run with you while you steadily take on the hill. Most of my life, I practiced ignoring pain and waking to injury. And more times than I care to admit, I was really laboring through it, focusing on the pain. Today……… today I strive for the latter.

I have been a long time subscriber of the most powerful tool I could find, denial. It has been brought to my attention by my loved ones as well as the community I serve, that my approach is sometimes tough to take. My tunnel vision and inflexibility has been regarded as self centeredness and egotism and my passion and hope was deemed denial. Well, I’m here to say….it was. It was self-centeredness, egotism and definitely denial. Like a custom fit suit of armor, I needed to put it on every morning before my feet hit the floor. I couldn’t take the truth. The way I’m wired, when I do allow myself to feel, I feel so intensely that honestly….. I didn’t think I could handle it. I had no trust that if I opened up, I would survive it. But that didn’t mean I didn’t hear or see your pain. I did. And it didn’t mean I wasn’t awake at night and crying in the dark for you, I was. I just couldn’t get through my day that way.

The day the doctors told us to take our son home and love him because there was nothing we could do is the same day I made a secret pact to team up with denial. And looking back, I see why I chose that partner. It turned out there was indeed a lot we could do and had I not embraced my new friend, I may not have been able to move. But like a bad relationship, denial spread like a disease throughout every part of my world until eventually none of my life was authentic. For those close to me, denial and self-centeredness caused some significant pain. For those in my community, my approach was tough to take at times. I’m not for everyone. I get that. But that’s where I was at. That’s how I did it. That’s how I dug my heels in and got up the hills. And trotting through each step begrudgingly focusing on the pain, I did that too. I embraced martyrdom arrogantly thinking God gave me more pain than others. That was egotism.

They say “only the cracked shall let the light in”. Well, I’ve been cracked. And I do see light. I went ahead and felt all the feelings I thought would break me and I let the pain run alongside me for while. Today I run the hills knowing this is just life and hills don’t last forever. I don’t ignore it all anymore. It’s there…no way around it. And I see others struggles more clearly now too. I don’t focus on and harvest the pain; I just let it tag along while I move ahead. And I don’t need to hide in denial and self-centeredness anymore. It’s still not my first inclination to take no for an answer, but I understand now that there’s a fine line between determination and hurtful denial. It’s a delicate balance as to whether your denial protects you and is needed for survival or when it’s just an excuse to be self-centered. I understand now that my experience and resources can help others, but I’m only helpful on the days I can let in the light. Staying open and in the truth takes diligent practice for me but I am clear now……I think it may be the only graceful way to get up the hills.