2010, One day at a Time

When I look back in 2009 or forward to 2010, I am most grateful for today. The changing of the guard of time reminds me that when I feel angry or sad, I know I am living in the past. And when I get anxious, I recognize I am living in a future that is not real yet. And since I can’t change the past and I have no idea what the future holds, I finally come clear in my understanding that right now is all there is. With that realization, any resentment from the past and the fears for the future suddenly dissipates. I am left with this moment and as I look around I realize I’m OK for right now.

I did not always have this ability…..not by a long stretch. I did not live in the now and I was definitely not ok. I was chasing what I believed to be the truth. And in regards to our struggle with DMD, the truth is……Anthony has been OK all along. He knew something I didn’t. I often smile at the irony of him watching me run around in a manic state while he just happily sat and played. It was me who needed to search for answers. It was me who needed the hope. And it is me who was losing the truth in the process. He was in the now.

For years after the diagnosis, I worked so hard. I was in such excruciating pain that I felt the only relief could come from action. Hope got me up and fear kept me moving. They were both such useful emotions which really worked for me. And because of that work, I was able to get Anthony a tremendous amount of resources and help. Hopefully in doing so, it did help make his life a little bit easier.

The problem came as I continued to move through the goals I had set. With each hurdle I passed, I expected relief. But the relief was only brief. It became a never ending quest to feel useful in a situation everyone else described as a powerless place to be. But I couldn’t accept powerless. I saw that as a choice that I would never make as a mother or as a person. I wasn’t helpless, I had the power to do a lot and so I did. I clutched to the hope that as each problem got solved along the way, not only would it make his future brighter, but perhaps I might personally find some relief from the pain of uselessness.

If only we could help him to talk, then the meltdowns would stop. If we could find someone to teach him the right way, he could learn. If only we found the right doctors and specialists, they would have the answers. If only we raised more money, we would have more access to those answers. If we met more people and went more places, we would find some undiscovered answer to it all that someone else had missed. If only we could keep him walking long enough….. we could buy time to find the cure.

Then what? Then we could forget the pain from the past and all be happy in the days to come. So we did it. We got him talking. We got him learning. We found him the best doctors and resources and therapies. And we got him on PTC124.

PTC124 was the end all be all of my personal DMD goals. In my mind, it was the miracle that would solve everything. There is no doubt it solved a lot. Finally getting the drug did bring miracles to our life, just not necessarily the ones I had been expecting.

PTC124 brought hope for our son’s future and an answer that works for today. The drug has given Anthony a fighting chance. He is now given the same chance as other children whose futures aren’t predetermined by the predicted course of Duchenne. He is now on an equal playing field because his decline is no longer a guarantee. His future is now unknown………….. just like everyone else’s.

The journey of the drug brought me my personal miracle too. It brought me the understanding that I had to find a way to live in the now or I was going to be in big trouble. Working so hard to get to place of unknown was a crushing blow to me. To finally arrive at what I believed to be an end only to find a new beginning of more uncertainty, shook me to my very core. This wasn’t the answer I had searched for. I was looking for solutions, not more questions.

But it has been in this time I have found some answers, very different answers than the ones I could imagine. It has been a time of great awakening. I awoke to miracle of the now. I have taken the proverbial advice of “all we have is now” into my heart and into our lives. I can finally share the secret Anthony held the key to all the while as he watched from the sidelines.

In this New Year, I will do my best to recognize that the past is gone and the future is uncertain for us all. The only thing real is today and I will not waste any more of it. Make no mistake, I will I still take action. I will still continue to strive to be useful and make a difference wherever I can. And I will continue to do the next right thing, which will hopefully make for a better tomorrow. However, it is with a new understanding, I will lay that groundwork for the future without the cost of the present. And hopefully, I can continue to share what I learned from my son and this crazy journey…. that there is no relief in exchanging today for tomorrow.